You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
