There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
