Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
