Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
