is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize