ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
