The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
