Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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