I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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