So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
