fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
