I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize