my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
