you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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