God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
