Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
