look no pants
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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