Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
