Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
