Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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