Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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