JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
