we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
did you just send me my own nude
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
