i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
