I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
