Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How's work?
Spinning.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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