you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
