Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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