i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
