just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
