Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
