i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
