my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
