guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When are your genitals available?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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