i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
