would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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