This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
