it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
