At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
