Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
