Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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