She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
