ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
