I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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