did you get engaged???
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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