I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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