First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
