I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
