Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Someone shit on the floor
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
