standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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