I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
