it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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