In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
