the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize