hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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