im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
