I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
