Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize