I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
