that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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