Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
