Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
